I forget. Even though I do it every year, I still forget. I forget what it is like to really ache. We put 250 bales of hay in the barn on Wednesday. It was unusually easy this year - maybe because the weather was a little cooler, in the 70's. I don't know. Last year, after loading one hay wagon, unloading it into the barn was about all I could handle. On Wednesday, we loaded and unloaded 4 wagon loads - just the two of us - just my husband and I. It was TOO easy.
It is Saturday, and my legs, thighs and buttocks still ache. It isn't just sore muscles. They ache deeply, hardly noticeable, but in a way that you can't get rid of, no matter how much I stretch, or how I lay or sit. And sleep....when I lay down, I am instantly ASLEEP.
Most people don't understand this ache. They have no clue what it feels like. After all, I even forget it from one year to the next.
Right now, my son is talking my head off, and I can't concentrate, and every time I hit the apostrophe key, the word search for the web page pops up, and I can't type until I delete it. It must be some kind of virus. So I'm getting frustrated, and I'm going to go. He's still talking.
Saturday, June 18, 2005
Thursday, June 02, 2005
Money
How many ways can people find to get your money? Must I work all my life, enslaved, to simply exist? There is a certain amount of work involved in existance. Sometimes there is more than work involved. But as I drove down the boulevards in Scottsdale, AZ last week, and saw all the green oasis in the hot, dry desert; as I toured Taliesen West; as I viewed the part of the tour where Phoenix had grown right up to Taliesen's gate...I couldn't help but wonder, "How the hell do so many people have THAT much money!"
I work. I sacrifice. Who is going to work the floor at the hospital on Memorial Day? On Christmas? During graduations and company parties? There is nearly always an unfair trade-off. Who gets to live, and who has to serve? Who gets to be slave?
I have had some wonderful moments these past few weeks - the days during which my oldest son has come of age to leave high school. But they were definitely peppered with the yang in the ying/yang. They were bittersweet.
Letting go of the bitter is so, so hard, because it feels like it belongs there. If I take in only the sweet, the bitter will build up and hide and wham me from behind some unexpected moment. So I must acknowledge it as it exists; try to savour it as part of the flavor.
If those people can be millionaires - hundreds and thousands of people - so can I. If the neighbor can buy up lots of land in the area, so can I. The question becomes, "Should I?" For years I have chosen to exist as a facilitator. To be an ego takes sacrifice of a sort I'm not sure I desire. That sacrifice is being visible; being responsible. If it were my desired path, I'd have taken it a long time ago. It is impossible to consider all factors in any situation, because one doesn't have access to all the factors. One only has one's conscience, and one's subconscious wisdom to follow.
A lot of people in this world who have money, don't have many scruples. Everyone is somehow superior, in their own heads - intellectually, physically, financially - and I get so weary of the "in your face," sit-com style wit so many people exist by. Even psychologists try to psychoanalize themselves into superiority.
God, how many people out there are obsessed with another way to get your MONEY! They are in my email! They are in my Krogers card! I'm about ready to shut it all off. There is a new order arising out of all of this, and it isn't Amish. It is the order of "Get out of my life." It hasn't quite formed cohesive denominations enough to be called a religion yet. Well, it isn't even based on God.
Can I just fly on a fricking airplane somewhere without having to save a bunch of mileage points, and get junk in my email box, and phone calls from credit card companies, PLEASE??? Can't it just be that simple??????? I quit clipping coupons years ago. How many jillions of dollars could be saved if people would stop pandering?
My lawn is too tall. There are dishes in my sink. My bills aren't paid. The dog needs brushed. The sheep need shorn. But everyone else has THEIR days off they want. My children have done what THEY want to do. Okay, I'm overextended, and everyone else gets my money. What do I do now? Shrug like Atlas? I think I'll just be a bitch, and tell everyone to get the hell off of my back.
I work. I sacrifice. Who is going to work the floor at the hospital on Memorial Day? On Christmas? During graduations and company parties? There is nearly always an unfair trade-off. Who gets to live, and who has to serve? Who gets to be slave?
I have had some wonderful moments these past few weeks - the days during which my oldest son has come of age to leave high school. But they were definitely peppered with the yang in the ying/yang. They were bittersweet.
Letting go of the bitter is so, so hard, because it feels like it belongs there. If I take in only the sweet, the bitter will build up and hide and wham me from behind some unexpected moment. So I must acknowledge it as it exists; try to savour it as part of the flavor.
If those people can be millionaires - hundreds and thousands of people - so can I. If the neighbor can buy up lots of land in the area, so can I. The question becomes, "Should I?" For years I have chosen to exist as a facilitator. To be an ego takes sacrifice of a sort I'm not sure I desire. That sacrifice is being visible; being responsible. If it were my desired path, I'd have taken it a long time ago. It is impossible to consider all factors in any situation, because one doesn't have access to all the factors. One only has one's conscience, and one's subconscious wisdom to follow.
A lot of people in this world who have money, don't have many scruples. Everyone is somehow superior, in their own heads - intellectually, physically, financially - and I get so weary of the "in your face," sit-com style wit so many people exist by. Even psychologists try to psychoanalize themselves into superiority.
God, how many people out there are obsessed with another way to get your MONEY! They are in my email! They are in my Krogers card! I'm about ready to shut it all off. There is a new order arising out of all of this, and it isn't Amish. It is the order of "Get out of my life." It hasn't quite formed cohesive denominations enough to be called a religion yet. Well, it isn't even based on God.
Can I just fly on a fricking airplane somewhere without having to save a bunch of mileage points, and get junk in my email box, and phone calls from credit card companies, PLEASE??? Can't it just be that simple??????? I quit clipping coupons years ago. How many jillions of dollars could be saved if people would stop pandering?
My lawn is too tall. There are dishes in my sink. My bills aren't paid. The dog needs brushed. The sheep need shorn. But everyone else has THEIR days off they want. My children have done what THEY want to do. Okay, I'm overextended, and everyone else gets my money. What do I do now? Shrug like Atlas? I think I'll just be a bitch, and tell everyone to get the hell off of my back.
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