It's been a rough month. Son #1 moved back to Phoenix in June, and I finally got his room cleaned. Son #2 returned from Kenya, stayed a little over a week, messed that room up entirely, then went for his senior year in college, begging to please let him stay in college an extra year after this year. He did post-secondary option and entered halfway through his sophomore year, so this, his 3rd year, he is well within the means to graduate. 4 days before the college return-trip to North Carolina, my mother informed me she would be getting remarried that Sunday, as in the day after my son was due in college 400 miles away, and if I got back in time, could I stand up for her?
Before the marraige date was set, the announcement alone caused enough inner uneasiness to motivate me to clean out the basement during my vacation. I have not cleaned out the basement since I moved here 6 years ago and my ex-boyfriend filled it with things from my previous home. I found that he even stacked newspapers up against one entire wall, and the rodents had made nests in them. So motivation for that required a lot of uneasiness. The wedding announcement came in the midst of the basement cleaning - the horrendous basement cleaning. I spent the entire next day doing geneology. 12 to 14 hours. The wedding was beautiful though. Fred's neice and I talked arrangements over the cell phone before and during our trip to NC and back. And my brother made 3 trips to the dump for me.
And then, I crashed. For several days I was glued to this computer. And, my pants are looser. In fact, some of them are downright baggy. I haven't gotten on the scale. I know I lost 10 whole pounds getting my son ready to go to Kenya. I gained a few back in the 2 months he was gone, but I'm pretty certain I'm losing again.
I have been immobilized more days in the past month more profoundly than I have been in the past 5 years. I've been downright depressed. For the past 5 years, I've been trying to lose weight - TRYING. I lose a little, and it comes back plus some. In the past couple of months, I have not tried at all. I think I'm down maybe 15 lbs.
Why? Well, for one, as rocky a relationship as we had, I miss my father. I had always thought that living on the farm would be easier without his interferance. But it seems very empty and lonely now. Just plain empty. Two, I've sort of lost my mother. I'm used to sharing her with an enormous number of emotionally and intellectually needy people, but I'm sort of emotionally alone myself right now where having a mother is concerned. She's very distracted, and it doesn't help her at all right now that I miss my father. Three, my children are leaving. I'm helping the third one apply to colleges, and I have to say, I'm just not into it. Four, the goats keep eating my garden. They're even digging up potato's now. I saw it with my own two eyes. And I can't get myself motivated to put up a fence around the garden. Five, after a week of basement cleaning, the house is out of my control. And six, I work full-time, and I have no money. Son #2 deserves it more than any child would, but I am not going to pay $750/month tuition for him to go to school for another year when this one is over, on top of paying for my daughter. I'm just not. I like my job. I like having it. It may be the main thing keeping me sane right now, because I have to focus, and I can forget everything else for 12 hours at a time. Plus, some of my coworkers have a lot worse things going on at home than me. But I just have started to feel selfish about the money I earn doing it.
So since I am still basically functioning, I'm suffering just a little depression.
No comments:
Post a Comment